As we move into festival season for the summer, it feels like wedding season will be here before we know it.  We’ve been working with some of September’s brides on the details of their reception and we’ve also been begun laying the groundwork for a post-expo showcase.  However, even though all year long we’re helping plan all these details with engaged couples, it really hit me when talking to a recently engaged friend that there can be an overwhelming amount of planning involved in even a small wedding: guests lists, invitations, venues, churches, your favorite wedding band, vendors, food, drinks, family, friends, outfits, and on and on.  With all the stress that this could bring on for even the most laid-back couples, it’s easy to lose focus on some of the bigger-picture things you need to know going into life together.  I pulled together some advice for newly engaged couples from some seasoned marriages and compiled the best ten to share with you.

10 Things You Should Know Before You Get Married

1. “You should know that while you think you might be communicating well, you can always do better. What I mean by that is that relationships take rigorous honesty and compassion.  An example: I might sacrifice something because my significant other prefers something else. Not communicating that you are sacrificing something to your significant other is a problem. Sacrifices can turn into resentments and your partner has no idea that this is happening. If something bothers you, say it. Don’t let things slide all the time or you’ll turn bitter eventually.  The more honest you are about how you feel about these little things is important so when the bigger stuff comes around, your relationship will be strong enough to be able to take it. Being married means going through the thick and the thin. If your relationship can’t take you being honest about what you like and don’t like, even the smallest details, then how do you expect to deal with the larger ones?  To summarize: Be HONEST. DEEPLY. Even if it’s dumb.  Most fights are a result of something else that has nothing to do with what is currently going on. Stop the moment. Get honest. Get real. Speak with emotions. Communicate from the heart. Resolve your issues. If you don’t have this down before you are married you are going to have to work on it constantly once you are.”
2. “Know where you’re going to spend holidays and know how much time you’re going to spend with each family.  Most people don’t realize how much stress each other’s families bring to the table. Always be a united front.”
3. “Make sure that you agree on the important topics: Children (and how to raise them), Finances/Expenditures, Future plans, and religion.  These topics are the most likely to have little to no compromise on. If you disagree without discussing it before you’re married, it will eventually cause a rift.”
4. “Expect that your spouse will not be able to notice or appreciate everything you do. At the same time, you won’t be able to see all they do. Both need to give 60 and take 40. The rest is lost in translation. Think of it as a relationship tax.”
5. “Don’t forget to continue going on dates after you’re married.”
6. “It’s work, and it’s everyday work. If you want a healthy relationship you need to tend to that relationship.”
7. “When my grandfather asked my grandmother to marry him, her father made them both sit down and write a list of ten deal breakers. They then had to discuss them all to decide if they could both live with them before he would give his blessing. In over 50 years of marriage neither one crossed the deal breaker line and they had a head start on open communication channels from the experience. The other thing they did was to ensure that each of them got at least one hour of ‘me time’ every day from Monday to Friday (the other would watch the kids and there would be no chores done during that time) and weekends were family time.”
8. “Marriage is for life, but people continue to change. This will be particularly noticeable the younger you get married. Be prepared to communicate a lot about this on both ends and learn to adapt. The person you are marrying today likely will be a very different person in ten years.”
9. “Go into marriage with an open and creative mind. There are a lot of ways to have a good marriage – one kind of marriage that works well for one couple can be a very different experience for another. Many of your friends who have marriages they describe as happy are probably arrangements that would not make you happy, and vice versa. Also, even in the cases of your closest friends, you don’t really know what’s going on under the hood, so to speak. And keep in mind that almost every marriage that ended up splitting up, say, ten years later, was a very happy relationship for a while. What you see now may not last forever.  This is all to say, be careful comparing your relationship to those of others, and take advice with a grain of salt for all these reasons. However, I don’t completely subscribe to the idea that you should never compare your relationship to another. I actually think it’s important to have role models, think of couples who have the type of relationship that you do want, and see how they did it. You can also ask them questions along the way and know you can trust their judgement.”
10. “Being married is just hanging with your best friend every day. Treat them like you would your very best, best friend, and you’ll do just fine.”

Bonus: “Go to Ikea together. It’s like The Hunger Games for relationships.”